So in all honesty first year at uni wasn't at all what I expected. But I actually don't know what I expected, other than an unrealistic, effortlessly amazing experience with a bit of homesickness on the side. Something I've learned about myself over the past year is that I have a tendency to put the experiences or achievements of others up on a pedestal without acknowledging-or perhaps realising-I've had some great ones myself. Maybe we should start there.
I've noticed I struggle to actually recognise when I've had a good experience at uni. A phenomenon I think isn't that uncommon-at least, in my own experience-is noticing when other people are having good experiences and then thinking "oh I wish I was in their shoes right now". And then when it comes time that you're in the reverse situation, you're the one having a good experience, you barely recognise it. It may be partly that I overromanticise things in my head instead of having fun with them in the moment. But this "I wish I had what someone else does" thing happens a LOT. I wish I had someone else's gap year experience instead of uni, I wish I had someone's experience at a different uni other than Bristol, I wish I had someone else's BRISTOL experience, someone's accommodation, societies, extracurriculars, achievements or degree....too much longing, essentially. (Don't get concerned here, recognising that this is an unhealthy outlook and comparing yourself to others is not a good thing, is a good thing...that didn't make sense. It's just that the first step to solving a problem, especially a mental health problem, is acknowledging it, then sharing it on the Internet [kidding!].)
But I do think I underestimate the things I actually have achieved, or not even achievements but just like good things I've done or had happened. So! I made a little list of the stuff I've done this year in this vein:
- applied to study abroad and got accepted into the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (so excited:))
- pitched, led and presented a relatively successful UBTV video
- Wrote __ articles for The Bristorian (Bristol history magazine) (one of them got published in print)
- Got on the Classics and Ancient History committee (running against no-one but a win's a win)
- Got appointed a subeditor for The Bristorian
- For someone so terrified of social situations, genuinely tried to plunge myself into them
- Achieved overwhelmingly good grades (not to brag;)) that I probably shouldn't publish online??
- Didn't really consider dropping out! Which, apparently, most students do.
So, yeah, I feel that I've actually done pretty well as a student and more independent person this year, when I really think about it, though sometimes it's hard to. I think that stopping journalling probably had a subtly negative impact, too. The reason I started doing this last year was not necessarily because I had a lot of emotional things to vent into a notebook, but more because (you can laugh) I was genuinely scared I'd forget things that have happened in my life (I'm very forgetful!), so thought that writing them down was a good idea so I'd have record of them. As of this year at uni, the main manner in which I remember stuff that's happened is...well, this kind of thing where I give life updates for your benefit, and even then I more talk about how I feel rather than specific events, so I don't necessarily know recognise my achievements or whatever if I haven't written them down. I suppose I'll have to write down everything that has happened in one big entry at some point, but the more I think about doing that the less I want to.*
*I got a fancy pen at Christmas so I'd be more willing to write stuff down. It didn't work. Getting a laptop has made me lazy when it comes to physical writing.
It's difficult here-connecting in the first place. I realised I, like a lot of people in our generation, am pretty reliant on others for validation (a perfect quality for someone who publishes their thoughts on the fucking Internet). So it does suck when the expectations are that you'll make tons of friends immediately and then you fall short of that. I'm trying to combat this in advance of my term abroad in America, but everyone says Americans are super friendly and you'll make friends easier there! Whatever, I'm still trying to keep realistic expectations. Let's talk more about socialising at uni.
It's extremely annoying to me if you get, or even don't get someone's socials, and just meet them, hit it off and then never talk again. It's so annoying because the question is always in the back of my mind like "what if you could've been really good friends with that person?" Genuinely feel-good interactions are fairly rare, and naturally you want to follow them up, but how do you do that without coming on too strong? (This question is rhetorical, there are several ways you could, but they all involve putting in....what's that word?..."effort", and showing you....erm, "care"....and I dislike that.)
But a bigger problem is when you're "kinda" friends with someone, but only for a specific reason. Most likely you only meet in class, or for a social, or for a sport or something. Whichever it is it's infuriating. I'd say this is even worse to me than if you meet someone, have a good time and never speak again, because this one's more like you have a good time with someone on a consistent basis but never really know if you're proper friends!! You KNOW you like a person and yet asking them to hang out properly is the most mountainous task ever. It's a bit weird, too, because it's like having crushes on multiple different people at once, except it's not a crush, but it almost feels like you're having the mortifying insert vomiting emoji right here experience of having to ask somebody out on a date....for a totally platonic experience!! This is just sooooo painfully awkward for me.
However, something I've realised regarding my socially anxious personality is that I need someone else to offer me what I enjoy thinking of as an "olive branch", friendship wise, so to speak. If someone does something to basically prove they're my friend, like asking to hang out or offering me a seat in class or whatever validation I'm needing at that particular moment, I accept this "offering", or olive branch, as "evidence" that they "like" me. (That last one actually doesn't need air quotes.) But THEY have to make the first move. If I ask someone to hang out and they say yes, they could just be being way too nice! This is all paranoia, I recognise it. But recognising that something probably isn't true, that people don't actually dislike you and that they do actually care about you, doesn't mean you necessarily stop feeling your illogical feelings. And that's why we're in counselling:)
This is again the part where people "check up", to which I would respond that this is again unnecessary, because just because I write about social anxiety doesn't mean I'm asking for help with it. What I need you to do, you've already done! You've clicked on my post. Sit back and enjoy, and remember I'm the one dealing with whatever's going on, and it's not a big deal it's uni, other people are starving, writing is part of my process of handling life.
A more humorous example of a lost connection with someone is what I like to call the "glancing at someone around campus and trying to put together whether you've seen them before, and if so where" debacle....possibly there's a catchier name for that. I like this one both because it's funny to me and because I can't quite place them I usually assume that I met them only very briefly or something, so it doesn't bother me. You look at them and consider whether you recognise them only vaguely because you met them for a very brief period, you met them while you were drunk, they're actually a total stranger but you're staring at them like a numptie because they look vaguely like someone you do actually know....etc.
Here's a fun thing that literally everyone who goes to uni has realised, but I thought I'd bring up anyway: I'm struck by how different the relationship between lecturers and uni students is to teachers and secondary school students. I was actually thinking of writing an article a while back about how the 'favourite' lecturers are the ones that are somewhat quirky, funny or just stand out as more than just a teacher. I suppose that's something that occurs to people in school too, but I feel that your perception of a class you take is also dependent on the content itself, whereas if you're doing content that might be different but all falls under the umbrella of a certain topic, lecturers have gotta be interesting in a certain way apparently! Not to be snobbish but I do think it's funny that in the tennis coaching course I took we were all taught that with younger kids it's important to not be scared of being a little silly because that's how you keep them engaged, and that at uni it's kinda the same, but with a bunch of grown adults. I feel bad for lecturers in the Classics and Ancient History department because we're such a small course, so often it feels like we're just sitting there, blank-faced and not speaking, apart from a select few of us who are actually confident enough to put up our hands.
You'll probably come across a lot of memes poking fun at the idealised version of uni, and talking about how much lower your standards get and how busy you'll end up being. Whilst I'd love to say that Bristol (and university in general) is totally unlike these memes, it's really awesome and you'll constantly be having a good time, this isn't true, or, it wasn't my experience. But I don't think these social media posts show the full picture either, and I think that there are, and have been for me, really great experiences at uni, and I eventually found that you do find people you like and you do start enjoying yourself more. As I've already told some people who I know are going to uni next year, the best thing you can actually do is be patient and not expect it to be a cakewalk from the beginning. Unrealistic expectations that are probably largely based on American movies (admit it, we're all guilty of this) aren't healthy or useful at all. If you keep trying to make the most of uni, and keep socialising and working and trying to have as many experiences as possible, it will genuinely work out after a while. And even though you're probably not having the time of your life 24/7-let's be honest, independence is liberating and constricting at the same time, I don't have to wash dishes at home but now I have my OWN dishes to wash??- the realisation and general feeling you're doing okay is actually a pretty great one. The thing I found to be the most reassuring is that screwing up, socially, may not even matter in the end, because if you keep at it you may well meet people you've missed out on properly socialising with in the past again. At least, sometimes.
I've said to a couple of people that if my entire uni experience was more of the same as first year, I'd feel disappointed by it on the whole. Which isn't actually to say I had a bad year, or even not a good one. But I had a year that felt incomplete, that felt like it promises more to come, or else I might feel like things have fallen short. I mean this mostly from the standpoint of "the good experiences I had this year, I want more of them, more frequently". Which is to say I won't really be able to comment on first year of uni till it fits into the grander scheme of my time at uni. And, confusingly, if this was a teaser for things to come, I may look back on it without much regret, but with higher standards, so I'll be not disappointed by it but more shuddering to even think about it. Sometimes my thoughts are really stupid.
I don't know, everyone's standards for "good" and "bad" years and times are probably different. To circle back to the beginning of this post, I haven't acknowledged-or perhaps even noticed-the better experiences of this year. My initially negative reflections on the year immediately after I left Bristol were in part cause I had a really shitty time moving out. After assuring my parents that of course they had collected enough stuff already and I would definitely be able to fit everything into 3-4 bags (it took like 6 or 7), I essentially forced several people who had their own moving out to do to help me transport my crap to a friend's, went to a ball, moved out of my friend's to another friend's and despite what I said, got my poor mum to drive to Bristol and take everything back because with the amount of luggage I had on me National Express would've kicked me out of the bus station faster than you could say"we apologise for the delay". It was a massive stress (and was made worse by the fact it was entirely my fault) and may have given me a delayed panic-induced cold that delayed this very article from being published.
In light of this I looked back on the end of term less than fondly, but then on the car ride back I realised I was talking to my mum about everything that had happened and all I had done and experienced, and it was like...way more impressive than I'd given myself credit for?? It was almost as if I had resigned myself to thinking "ugh I've had a stressful time moving out so this whole year's been rubbish", when in fact I'd had some really fun experiences?? (The question marks are as if to say-how did I not notice this? It happened to me!!!) Aside from being an argument for journalling and a helpful reminder how forgetful I am, this is probably a symptom of comparing myself to others' experience a bit too much. In reality, if you talk to people you'll probably get the sense that everyone feels a little bit like they went through an iffy adjustment period. The expectation that you'll immediately fit in socially and academically is a harmful one (notes for incoming first-years). But on the other hand you should absolutely take advantage of all social experiences possible! Because there will be tons of awkward ones but there's also the potential for really good ones, too and you're not wasting your time by going to them, and rest assured you are definitely not taking up space. (This isn't meant to be a self-help blog lol.) Furthermore, I don't know if I'll take any of my own advice on board when I go even more out of my depth during my term abroad. But it's worth remembering. Or trying to.
Aghh so: insightful conclusions!! I would love to say something more profound, and I think looking back on this already delayed and tangential article I'll probably think there was loads more I could've taken the time to say. But, in summary, hindsight is a wonderful thing, things always look better when the crappy dull parts fade into oblivion, take advantage of everything at uni, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Will I take my own advice? Who knows. But I've learnt something, at least. Learning lessons is pretty easy, but with my memory, remembering them isn't. :)
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