Welcome to my long overdue reflections on last term as I begin my last (final) term at university. Welp, where do I start???
If I’m honest, I had a pretty great September. Fresh off the Eras Tour, fresh off girl in red’s Doing It Again Baby! Tour. I think the best thing I can say for September is that at the end of the month I went to three different peoples’ birthday events on the same day (seriously WHY are so many people born at the end of September) and somehow had a good time at all of them. I went to a Bristol Manor Farm match during the day with my mate and a bunch of his friends (up the Farm), then went for drinks with another friend and our secondary school friends, then had to rush and leave for my flatmate’s pres before going clubbing. And the weirdest thing is, I usually feel so stressed out with that kind of rushing about, but I didn’t. I literally just had a good time. What a novel concept!
October was harder. I wouldn’t even necessarily say that much happened, though it didn’t…not happen. Work piled up and a couple things I did were less fun, because that’s kind of just the way life goes. But also, September might have been something of a honeymoon period for me. I was so happy to be back, to be seeing everyone, welcome back events were happening and they were all fab. October was a crash back down to earth.
Sometimes I think I measure my life a little bit too much by the first verse of Maisie Peters’ song There It Goes. No, seriously:
I’m back in London, I’m running down Columbia Road
They’re selling sunflowers cheap
I’m reading novels, I’m dating but just dating for sport
I’m getting coffees for free
I hang all my art and I dance with the coven as the rain falls hard on the street, and I,
I’m doing better, I made it to September, I can finally breathe
It’s just exactly the vibe of a modern Gen Zer who’s “doing better”. Dating with no heartbreaks, decorating your place with flowers and art, staying happy within bad weather, actually keeping up with your reading goals (fat chance), exercising. I’m unsure if Maisie means to say that she’s getting coffees for free because of some clever app discount or members’ deal (which would, let’s be honest, be very Maisie), or perhaps given it follows the line “I’m dating but just dating for sport” she refers to someone she’s dating buying her coffee, or perhaps baristas are trying really hard to flirt with her by giving her the classic line “it’s on the house” as she orders it. Damn, I really missed my calling as an English student!
I’m not sure I relate to dancing with any covens but I like the idea that because this song features on Maisie Peters’ The Good Witch album, in which she refers to herself as such, her “coven” is just her friends. They go out, they dance, they have a good time, she can finally breathe. I think I just relate to this verse so much because they’re such quintessentially quirky “mental health techniques” that, in fairness, do feel great whenever I string a week or so of these good habits together. Exercising, reading, good vibes and “little treats”. Ironically, for me it’s when I’m out of London, not “back in London” that I have to develop these habits for the sake of my mental health.
But sometimes I can’t listen to that song - which is fucking beautiful by the way - when I don’t feel like I’ve done enough to feel the “healing”. Once the bridge concludes, Maisie determines “the universe is shifting and it’s all for me”. I love this song because you can feel the gradual healing within the song. It’s not just described, you actually experience it as the narrative progresses, which I think in 3 minutes and 45 seconds is a truly brilliant thing to achieve. But imagine thinking you’re not even deserving of listening to a SONG. Craziness. I say to everyone else I meet that just by being here and existing they are achieving something, they don’t necessarily have to “heal” immediately. In therapy in general, I’ve realised I don’t give myself the same graces, but as of my last session at uni - which actually went very well, thanks for asking - I’m actively trying to recognise when I need a bit more of a break from…well, my own brain, and when it’s being awful to myself when it’s nice to others. I find the benefit of the doubt and easing of pressure much easier to give to others than myself.
The point of this whole There It Goes tangent is that sometimes, things suck, and they aren’t sunflowers and books and free coffee. But it’s definitely worth trying to make life that. And I eventually got out of my slump in early October when I took a week back home for reading week, then went back and felt better. And then I got immediately ill. And then I felt better again! I do think I made a fairly dapper Thomas Shelby for Halloween, and I didn’t realise I would love Rocky Horror as much as I did, so all in all a successful Halloween period. This was followed by a fun yet hectic November featuring football, karaoke and prepping for Christmas. Well done me. I threw a good Christmas formal. Speaking of…
As I’m president of Classics Society (which still feels like an insane sentence to say and I’m mostly done with this job nooooooooooo), I’ve had to manage work a lot with society stuff. It’s been weird and fun and rewarding and overwhelming and I’m so glad I’ve done it. For the most part, I’ve been really pleased with what’s gone on (yes, I do have a great committee and yes I feel proud of myself). I will be being stabbed on the Ides of March (not literally) and someone else will be doing my job next year, which is crazy! There’s so much more I could do to improve this society!! But I guess that’s someone else’s cross to bear huh:/
I think the best advice I’ve received for final year is to have a little adventure every week, advice which I’ve largely failed to take. Or maybe I have and just forget the things I do and don’t give myself the credit for it - this is the problem with being both self-doubting and forgetful! (this is where you laugh, not pity) But as I enter my last term of university I do want to put myself out there as much as I can. Fuck it! Time for adventures! This weekend’s was an IKEA trip. Stop judging me. I got a new panda. To go with my old one. Old as in my flatmate’s Christmas present to me. I think pandas might be my new obsession.
My dating life is still nonexistent, thanks for asking. I know you didn’t ask, but I’ve come to the realisation relatively recently that I kind of put the idea of having a romantic relationship on a pedestal. I explained to my flatmate that I think the kind of acceptance of all flaws, weirdness, quirks I have that comes with a romantic relationship is the intimacy I look for. But I think that intimacy IS possible with friends. I just don’t always realise at. As we approach Valentine’s Day, I’m strangely okay being single. I am however writing a Bristorian article on why Valentine’s Day regressed from a saint to flowers and chocolates and cheap commercialism, so…yeah. I’m not bitter. I’m not!
My classes last term were possibly the most challenging I’ve had since coming to uni, and honestly they’ve been very interesting, especially compared to the last couple years. It’s as if the department suddenly realises in third year people might actually need to be passionate about the work that is thoroughly kicking their collective arses, so makes the modules…good, instead of meh. That feels harsh, there have been points I’ve enjoyed in all my modules but this year every class has felt somehow engaging. In this term I have one great class, one awful class and my dissertation. Don’t ask me how it’s going. Don’t ask.
Lysistrata - I’m producing a play! I’m so excited. Yes this didn’t really happen very expectedly, I was kind of just putting so much effort into making sure Classics Society actually did it at the start I decided I’d produce it. I’m not directing (though I’m so so pleased with my directors) but it’s so rewarding. If you haven’t read Lysistrata and intend on coming to the 27th, 28th and 29th March shows at Acta Community Theatre in Bristol…I suggest you do, otherwise you’ll be in for a big shock. It’s raunchy, okay? It’s also some of the funniest shit I’ve ever read and it’s from the 400s BCE. Also, it’s aged surprisingly well. Also, I have a few lines in it.
In terms of going out and socialising, I think maybe it’s died down but I’m not really measuring success by “going out” but more doing things with people I enjoy the company of. I definitely think I say yes to people too easily, I’ve certainly experienced that this term. The truth is I’m kind of just someone who loves staying indoors and don’t loooove going out and being hypersocial unless it’s with people I’m very comfortable around. I suppose that’s one of the few things that won’t really change as I leave uni, which is nice. There’s still chances to go out for a drink or something in the midst of work.
To be completely honest, I think my biggest fears are honestly things that will come to pass. Things won’t be the same as they were. I will have attended my last social and formal, submitted my last essay, done all my work, hugged my last friend goodbye…okay, I’ve cried once this evening, I’m not gonna cry again. Yes, I’m okay, thanks for asking, it was just an emotional video, and I honestly found it cathartic. As I discussed with my therapist the other week, there’s nothing like a good cry.
I know it’s a cliche to say time has passed so quickly, but to say something perhaps more coherent it kinda feels like it’s slipped through my fingers. I can’t - or I haven’t - measured my life at uni in stats, the number of socials or good socials I’ve gone to, the number of “coffee” meet-ups I’ve had with friends (I still don’t drink coffee), even the number of assignments I’ve submitted. So what is measurable about my time at university? I suppose the overall experience and knowledge that I really have been an adult for the first time, and that first year me would be so proud of me right now for actually speaking to people. It sounds sooo basic, but the child - literally I was 18 years and 2 months old, that is not an adult - who walked into uni wasn’t ready for it. Of course I wasn’t! No one ever really is ready for something they’ve never done before. But while I’ve not been fearless - I’m full of fear - I think I can say I’ve been courageous, so despite my anxiety I have actually been able to have some incredible times. And some shitty ones! But I am genuinely proud of my growth as a person since I began university. Perhaps I forget how proud younger me would be of the 20 year old, who will unfortunately have just turned 21 when he graduates. I keep trying and going and I’ll look back on this time unbelievably fondly. But I still have a little bit of time left, so let’s see how it goes. I’m quite excited. :)
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